Conard

I am back in London now.
There was a minor hiccup on my return, in that, I missed my flight.
By 1 week.

Yes, as it turns out I got the wrong Monday.

I have tried to keep up my 'artist' ways since my return.
However within 10 minutes of tree sketching in Camden square some demented South African girl sat down next to me and proceeded to tell me that she also loved art, but it makes her want to kill herself, which she already tried twice this month .......etc

It is at times like these where I wish I was French not British. Instead of politely listening to her insane rants for half an hour to just cock an eyebrow and huff, 'boff' before getting up and walking away.

It is an art mastered by the Parisians in particular, I have noticed. Monosyllabic insults/responses (the two are generally synonymous).

For example:
'Non'
'Null'
'Bonne'


I tried it in English but it just isn't as effective. Perhaps even more irritating is that when the Parisians do take it upon themselves to utter English words/insults, it somehow sounds so French, so effective.

Working in New York one season for a French stylist, who could not seem to grasp the concept that most New York Cabbies don't know where Time Square is, let alone Brooklyn. Also, anyone who has ever visited New York and for what ever reason desired to get to Brooklyn via a cab will know that most, don't 'do' Brooklyn.

On the 4th morning, already 1 hour late for the shoot, a bead of sweat sparkled on her forehead and she turned to me and calmly, clearly in her most delicate of French accented English, said;

'Cunt'

This was shortly followed by a barrage of hysteric latin tears and wails. How could I do this to her?
Did I have no brain?
My job is a monkeys job, yet I cannot get a fucking cab....etc

Despite the impressive magazines she styles for, I handed the job over to my friend.
Who had a nervous breakdown one month later.

Now on a Friday night when I serve some toothless Camden Local his 25th pint of Guinness and he compliments my figure in some delightfully imaginative way, I compose myself by reminiscing of times with Mary Chair.